Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.