Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea