Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
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Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree