Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
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The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
