Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
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I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Dumple
This meal prepping shit easy
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
