Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
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breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE