Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

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You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.


Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount


I miss you… then I eat something and it goes away…


Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..


My luck can best be described as:
Loses $50 but finds a lighter.

Shit. It’s empty.


Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.


Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.


What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer


Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids