Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

[seaworld]

“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”

-BINGO!

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot