Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

… Eau DeTroit …

#RejectedPerfumeNames

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family