Bout to have the best sleep of my life
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Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.