Bout to have the best sleep of my life
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My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Name another movie that mislead you?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
the only organized thing in my life is crime