Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
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(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.