Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
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”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.