Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
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Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.