BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?![]()
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A woman drives into a bar.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
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Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
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VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”