Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

“time flies” then why the hell is it still January bro

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.