Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.