Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

new dr. seuss book dropping:

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?

Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*