Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

(Musicians.)

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one