@MarfSalvador

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

- @MarfSalvador

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@SteveSuckington

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

@walks_on_legs

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

@TheBoydP

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

@Dustinkcouch

interviewer: what makes you want to be a firefighter?

me: a fire killed my dad

interviewer: i’m so sorry

me: don’t be. i will have my revenge

interviewer: you want to kill the fire that killed your father?

me: no. i’m not an idiot.

interviewer:

me: i’m gonna kill its dad

@Mom_Overboard

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

@Parkerlawyer

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

@ThisLocalHater

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

@DothTheDoth

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

@Thynebear

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

@KimmyMonte

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant