[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
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MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
What the dentist sees
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Perfection.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
And bowling should be called pinball
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser