Bowling: The most fun you can have wearing someone else’s shoes.
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[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
*Shaves my winter legs*
Weigh me now.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.