Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar