My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
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My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
step 6: release the wall snake
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.