BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
