BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
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My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I saw nothing
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.