box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
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Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
good work, everybody
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
“our sushi is very fresh”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
uncle dave has been through hell
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.