“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
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“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…