Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

No one:

My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.

ew if literal: let me be clear

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.