Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

Wasn’t this a cartoon.

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.