Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
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I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
#FunnyLife Insects
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy