[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
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[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
im gay on my mothers side
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.