Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

S O O N

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

The Wolf of Wall Street.

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.