Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone