Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
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i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Oh deer
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.