Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
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[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I can also cook 😂
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳