Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.