Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad