Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

what it’s like dating me:

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree