Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

even bears disappoint their mothers

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.