Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind