Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.