Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

adding to the discourse

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I