Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the weekend y’all

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

From my Mom

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

this came to me in a vision

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go