Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
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I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.