Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.

( •_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Just take a day off

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

Yoga Matt