Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*