Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
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Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
For the baby who has everything
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
asked my bf how work was today
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
This is a whole mood;
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
