Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

Comparing yourself to others

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

Don’t frighten the programmers!

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

I love you to the refrigerator and back

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.