Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
You Might Also Like
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated