Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
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My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
thanks auntie mary
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
he was correct
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh