Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
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*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I didn’t mean to gain weight
It happened by snaccident
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.