Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
You Might Also Like
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.