Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!

Oh, wait…never mind.

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.

[God making bears]

God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging

Angel: Aww

God: Hugs that will kill people

Angel: Wtf?!

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

Me, after a minor inconvenience: