Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
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Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.