Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
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plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
#math
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.