Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
You Might Also Like
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
My neck my back my allergy attack
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Science is fun!
#nottrue
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Happy Caturday!
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary