Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
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Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Skills
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
