Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
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You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.