Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
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I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up