Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
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The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Phonetics
Grew big
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks