Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
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Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
asking santa clause for nudes
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*