Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
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Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
This is the best one I’ve seen
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
me at the job i begged god for
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”