Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.