Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
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[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
LMAO
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.