@ladybroseph

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

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@BoomBoomBetty

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

@dog_feelings

the human thinks. i won’t get excited. if they say. doubleyouayellkay. instead of. walk. but guess what. i am excited

@Brentweets

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

@RSF788

The best reply to “I love you” is “Well that’s a terrible idea.”

@ddsmidt

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

@juliussharpe

Dating is basically lying to women about how you like to travel.

@ShesAllNat

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

@BuckyIsotope

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

@TheFearBoners

I have to put reminders in my phone for everything or I’ll forget it. Like ‘pick up milk,’ ‘go to bank,’ ‘you don’t hate minorities.’