Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

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Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]


the human thinks. i won’t get excited. if they say. doubleyouayellkay. instead of. walk. but guess what. i am excited


I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him


The best reply to “I love you” is “Well that’s a terrible idea.”


If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.


Dating is basically lying to women about how you like to travel.


What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.


[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”


I have to put reminders in my phone for everything or I’ll forget it. Like ‘pick up milk,’ ‘go to bank,’ ‘you don’t hate minorities.’