Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest