Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
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My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Ferrari squats
