Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
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*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.