I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
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Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Yup.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is