Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.