Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
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In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory